In “Returning to the Source,” Connor shares a very personal challenge. He challenges us to return to the Source—to be with Jesus and find love, joy and peace in His presence.
It’s crazy to me how hard I try to live my life independently from God. I could preach all day about how important it is to stay connected to the Father and how much we need Him for literally everything, but my choices and actions would say otherwise. Do I really believe what I read and teach from Scripture? I shouldn’t need to be convinced of this idea. I can see the evidence of dependency in my own life. I can see my reliance on Christ in my own shortcomings. So why do I try so hard to live apart from Him?
The times in my life when I exude the fruit of the Spirit the most (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control) are the times when I am regularly filling myself with the Spirit of God.
Makes sense, right?
When I’m intentionally setting aside time for God each day, I’m distinctly more joyful. When I’m consistently diving into His Word and storing it in my heart, I’m distinctly more loving. When I’m sharing my happiness, victories, and little pleasures with Him throughout the day, I am distinctly more kind. When I’m bringing Him my pains, sorrows, heartaches, and burdens and laying them at His feet, my heart is distinctly more at peace. I can pour into people and love people so much better when I’m getting my water straight from the source. I have something to give.
But that works the other way, too.
In seasons of hardship, it can be easy to lose sight of Jesus. I know I’m not the only one who has this problem (and neither are you) because the disciples did the same thing during a storm when Jesus was literally in the boat with them. I tend to distance myself from God when things aren’t going my way. What I’ve found, however, is that when I stop bringing my burdens, my heartaches, my frustrations, my hurts, and my anxieties to Him, I get stuck with them instead. I don’t like being stuck with those things.
If you’re looking for a quick and easy way to make yourself miserable, hold onto your pain. Dwell in it. Lean into your anxieties and don’t tell anyone about them. Reopen fresh wounds over and over again and sprinkle in some salt, but don’t go see the Doctor for stitches. When the people who love you ask you how you’re doing, lie to their faces. Tell them that you’re “fine,” or “good,” or that you “can’t complain.” Keep your heartaches to yourself. Keep your sufferings a secret, don’t let anyone catch you crying, and definitely don’t go to God, the Good Doctor, because He’ll try to heal you if you let Him. He’ll try to comfort you, and you don’t want that. Don’t return His calls. Don’t schedule any appointments. Block Him out. Push Him away. Try to handle all your hurt and your baggage alone. Carry it around everywhere you go. See how long you last. No good comes from embittering ourselves in our pain.
Being miserable is easy because it doesn’t demand intentionality, discipline, or vulnerability… but being miserable is miserable.
The most frustrating and devastating part of being miserable is being disconnected from the Spirit: the Living Water Himself. Not only does that mean that I’m not being filled with the Spirit, but that means that I’m missing out on the fun of being joyful, loving, kind, etc, and on top of that, I cannot pour into those around me because I have nothing more to give. My glass is empty. I poured everything out and didn’t go back for more. It’s been a struggle even to write this post because I feel as if I can’t afford to give anything more. I feel as if I need to save what little I have for the people in my circle and hope that it’s enough.
The problem is that it’s not enough.
What I have is not enough.
It’s never been enough.
What I have is not even enough for me, why would it be enough for anyone else?
And that is why I should know that I cannot live my life apart from God. I’ve tried it both ways and one way doesn’t work. One way is miserable.
God needs to be the source of my joy. I can work hard to make money to provide for myself or for a family in the future and I can build a steady and established career in a field that I’m passionate about and save up vacation days to play video games and binge shows and inhale junk food, but that will not bring me joy if I am not also communing with the Father.
God needs to be the source of my love. I can try and try and try to love those around me well. I can be intentional. I can spend time with them. I can get them thoughtful gifts. I can give them hugs. I can encourage them. I can serve them. But all of that is in vain without the love of Christ flowing through me. I cannot truly share the love of God with those around me unless the love of God is what I’ve been immersing myself in.
God needs to be my source of peace. I can try to weather the storms of this life alone, I can try to carry my own burdens and bear my own pain, but without the comfort and support of the God who bore my sufferings first, all I’m really doing is choosing to anchor my ship in the thick of the wind and waves. Only Jesus can bring peace amidst the chaos of the storm.
Living apart from God is foolish.
I share all of this with you because I needed to hear it. I’ll need to hear it again, too. And again. And again. And again. And chances are, if I needed to hear it, so does someone else. And they’ll need to hear it again. And again. And again.
I’ve been neglecting my relationship with God for a while now. I stopped making prayer a priority throughout the day. I stopped diving into the Word daily. I’ve been prioritizing entertainment over my relationship with Jesus. I’ve been selfish. I got addicted to my own selfishness. What can I give myself to satisfy my hunger? What do I want to do? What do I need to get me through the day knowing the kind of person I’ve become?
None of it is ever enough.
I am never satisfied.
How could I ever be satisfied with anything less than an intimate relationship with Jesus?
So how do I correct my course? How can I reconnect to the Living Water Himself, the Source of Life?
It’s easy to say, “Okay, when I get home from work, I’m going to sit down for an hour and pour my heart out to God, pray an honest prayer, and journal while I do it, and the next morning, I’ll wake up early to read my Bible,” but that’s hard to do when you haven’t done it in a while. Normally after saying something like that, I get home from work, sit down, and doom-scroll on Instagram for an hour instead and then barely get out of bed in time to make it to work in the morning. So how do I make real change?
As is the case with any relationship, strengthening your relationship with Jesus requires three big things: intentionality, discipline, and vulnerability.
Intentionality is so simple but so difficult. Keep God on your mind. Recognize Him in the little things. “God, it’s crazy how each individual snowflake is entirely unique from the rest. Your attention to detail is beyond my comprehension.”
Thank Him for stuff throughout the day. “My car started this morning. Thank You,” “Thank You for getting me to work safely,” “I’m thankful for coffee,” “Thank You for silly things that make me laugh.”
Simply invite God to be a part of your day. Invite Him into the mundane.
Discipline is where a lot of people check out, but it’s so important. I’m not going to dedicate a day to resuscitating my relationship with Jesus and then just expect it to stay resuscitated. You can’t go on a date with someone, ghost them for two months, and then hit them up for another date like time hasn’t passed. Relationships with people don’t work like that and it doesn’t work like that with Jesus either. Carve out some time every day to spend with God. That’s a discipline. Maybe that’s 30 minutes before work or school. Maybe that’s on your lunch break. Maybe that’s after practice. Maybe that’s before bed. Whatever the case may be, find a chunk of time to spend with God every day, even if you don’t want to—especially if you don’t want to. Did you know that God wants to hear from you? He wants to spend time with you even when you’re not really wanting to spend time with Him. Doing something that you don’t want to do because you know someone else will appreciate it is love. Don’t neglect your relationship with God just because “you’re not feeling it” today.
Finally, vulnerability will make-or-break any relationship. You need to be vulnerable with God about where you are and what you’re going through. Let God take your burdens. Let Him take your struggles. Let Him take your pain, suffering, and heartache. Let Him exchange it for peace. Let Him comfort you. Let Him cry with you. Healing comes with time, but only if you allow it. If you insist on dwelling in past hurts and pains, the healing will never come.
Be vulnerable with your loved ones, too, just as you would if your relationship with your significant other were on the rocks. You would seek counsel from the people you trust. Do that when you feel distant from God, too. Talk about it with someone. Let them encourage you. Let them speak truth into the lies you’re believing. Let them guide you back to Jesus. The church is a beautiful mess that we are blessed to be a part of. Don’t cut yourself off from the body so you don’t have to share your struggles. Instead, let the church empathize with you, love you, encourage you, lament with you, and strengthen you. That’s why we have it. Vulnerability within the church is also a really great way to get filled up again. Spirit-filled people pour the Spirit into those who are lacking. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
Friends, I know what to do and I know how to do it. All I have to do is decide whether or not I want to humble myself and sacrifice my selfish desires in exchange for a beautifully fulfilling life with Christ. I suspect that’s where some of you may be, too. So let’s do it together. Let’s make Jesus a priority. Let’s be intentional. Let’s discipline ourselves. Let’s be vulnerable with God and with each other.
Pray this prayer with me today…
God, I know I’ve been distant lately.
I’ve pushed You away.
I’ve been angry with You for a long time.
I’ve been blaming You for things that You didn’t do.
I’ve been putting other things above You in my life.
We haven’t talked in a while.
I’m sorry.
The truth is, I miss You terribly.
Life with You was so much sweeter.
I miss being joyful in every circumstance.
I miss being at peace within the storm.
I miss having love to share with those around me.
On top of that, I’m tired…
Tired of being angry.
Tired of being bitter.
Tired of being empty.
Tired of being broken.
I want You to be at the center of my life again.
I want to be connected to the Source again, the Fountain of Living Water.
So Father, I’m asking for Your help.
Fill me with Your Spirit each morning.
Show me Your character through Your creation.
Reveal Your heart through Your words.
Surround me with people who will encourage me to be disciplined.
Help me to build good, lasting habits that will weather the next storm.
Because there will be a next storm.
I’ll be tempted to cut You out again.
Help me to be strong.
Help me to be selfless, not giving into my selfish desires, but abiding in You all the more.
God, I love You. Help me to love You more.
Amen.
And then wake up tomorrow and pray it again.
Author:
My name is Connor. I recently started an internship at my church leading our Young Adult Ministry while I take classes online through Grace College. I’m passionate about ministry, specifically in America. I want to be part of helping the American church change and grow. Read more of my writing here.
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