Forgiving God for My Misunderstandings

I’ve made two observations that, at first glance, will seem unrelated. Stick with me.

Observation 1: People are angry about a lot of things (bold, I know).

Observation 2: Christians are big fans of the idea of forgiveness until we actually have to forgive someone ourselves (that’s a hot take if I’ve ever seen one). 

2020 has left a lot to be desired. It’s been a messy year. I remember back in January when I could open my calendar app, swipe to December, and tell you exactly where I’d be and what I’d be doing that month (HA). 

Those were the days. 

Now, I couldn’t tell you with any certainty what’s going on this afternoon. I could tell you what I think is going to happen. I could tell you what I have planned. Will those plans happen? I guess we’ll find out. 

I’ll be honest with you, I’m pretty fed up. I know I’m not the only one. Many people are angry and don’t know at who. It’s amazing how one unpredictable year could mess up so many people’s ten year plans. It’s amazing how one unpredictable year could take so much away from so many people. Guess we weren’t entitled to _____ after all. 

As I’ve inspected my own heart, I’ve come to this conclusion: I’m angry at God. I’m blaming God. I’ve been accusing God of taking things from me. 

Many of my prayers this year have sounded like this: “God, I’m mad at You. I don’t wanna talk to You right now.” Hangs up the phone.

The others sound like this: “God, why?” 

He hasn’t answered those yet.

Ten months into the year and I’m left tired and mad.

I’m tired of obediently following Jesus just to be told, “Nevermind, let’s head this way instead.” 

I’m tired of faithfully taking steps into open doors just to have them shut in my face.

I’m tired of being told to “pursue this” or “pursue that” when the pursuit is in vain. I’m tired of pursuing. 

I’m mad at God because I feel like He’s misled me… 

He hasn’t kept His promises… 

He’s given me things just to take them away.

“Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?” 

People have a lot to be angry about.

The enemy has made his home in my mind this year. He’s fed me lies. I bought them.

Something that I’ve been learning the past couple of years – these past few months especially – is that all anger is rooted in unforgiveness. Let that sink in. Read it again. Process that.

 All anger is rooted in unforgiveness. 

“I am angry at X for doing Y to Z.” Maybe you’re angry that someone cut you off in traffic. “I’m angry at the idiot in front of me for cutting me off in traffic.” Maybe you’re angry at something bigger, something more important, more real. “I’m angry at the police for killing innocent African Americans.” Whatever the case may be, you’re angry at X because you haven’t forgiven them for doing Y to Z. Remember what Jesus teaches about forgiveness. Forgive the idiot who cut you off. Forgive the police. Forgive X. Let go of that anger.

Christians are big fans of the idea of forgiveness until we actually have to forgive someone ourselves.

Don’t hear what I’m saying, though. Just because you’ve forgiven someone does not mean you can’t still seek justice. It does mean, however, that you are releasing the right to hold yourself higher than them as if your sins aren’t as bad as theirs. Let go of that anger. 

“But Connor, what if you’re angry at God?”

Great question. Let’s unpack that. 

Here’s what I know: God is with me. He has never left me. We will never leave me. He will never forsake me. He loves me more than I could ever possibly imagine or comprehend. He has my best interests in mind. He knows the desires of my heart. He has never sinned against me. He will never sin against me. He will never break His promises. Every move He’s made has been for my benefit. 

He is for me… 

Always has been… 

Always will be.

Here’s what else I know: None of that changes the fact that I am angry at God. 

Shoot.

If all anger is rooted in unforgiveness, does that mean I have to forgive God? 

Yes.

For what? I thought He was perfect. I thought He had your best interests at heart. What is there to forgive?

I need to forgive God for the monster I’ve made Him out to be. Let that sink in. Reread it. Process it. 

I need to forgive God for the monster I’ve made Him out to be.

God is not a monster. But I’ve been listening to lies for a while. Even though He’s never wronged me, I’ve been believing that He has. I need to forgive Him for that. 

But that is not all I need to do. First, I must forgive God, ridding myself of this wretched anger. Second, I need to repent, turning away from the lies I’ve been believing and apologize for believing them in the first place. Finally, I need to remember who God really is. 

My anger stems from unforgiveness. My weariness stems from anger. 

Here is my new prayer. I encourage you to pray this as well if you’ve found yourself angry at God recently.

Father,

I’m sorry for believing these lies about You. I know You’re still here. I know You feel my pain, my suffering, my heartache, my weariness. 

Take that from me. 

I know You’re for me, not against me. 

Remind me of that.

Continue to faithfully guide my feet as I walk this broken world. I know You have been. I know You will be.

Give me strength to be faithful even when being faithful is hard… 

When it doesn’t make sense…

And when I don’t understand.

Replenish me, God. My cup is empty. My well has run dry. 

I thirst. I ache. 

Grant me rest.

Father I love You, help me to love You more.

In Your name I pray, 

Amen.


Author Spotlight:

Connor

Meet Connor

My name is Connor. I recently started an internship at my church leading our Young Adult Ministry while I take classes online through Grace College. I’m passionate about ministry, specifically in America. I want to be part of helping the American church change and grow. Read more of my writing here.


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James Peek
James Peek
2 years ago

Good thoughts, my friend.

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